@jnrbtsn

Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I’m ready now.

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@dafloydsta

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

@FattMernandez

Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.

@rachann79

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

@loudmouth_usa

I read that if you have 2 hangovers a year you are an alcoholic so I’m around 104 alcoholics

@daemonic3

[sperm bank]

clinician: any questions before becoming a potential donor?

me: yes, why is it called a “sperm donation” and not a “payload”

clinician: *writing notes* ok so you are definitely dad material

@iamk1ts

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

@SkinnerSteven

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

@HeSlimedMeRay

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

@mydmac

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

@ShesARealGenius

Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen

Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO