@thenatewolf

Go ahead, mate with someone who wears glasses, add to the degradation of our eyesight as a species. Not like there are bears we need to spot

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@KalvinMacleod

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

@iwearaonesie

*opens cupboard*
*catches glass before it falls on my head*
*puts it back in the same spot to test wife’s reflexes*

@meghaffer

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

@JohnLyonTweets

My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.

@mrjohndarby

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

@LostFelicia

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

@stephenjmolloy

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

@_SetTheHook_

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

@MaraWilson

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single