Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
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How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Trains are just sideway elevators.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.