GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
S: make the lid a little smaller
Go ahead, mate with someone who wears glasses, add to the degradation of our eyesight as a species. Not like there are bears we need to spot
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*catches glass before it falls on my head*
*puts it back in the same spot to test wife’s reflexes*
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Money is the root of all larger amounts of money.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna
me: love it
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single