Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
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RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
This will never not be funny to me.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas