Go away kid, I don’t have bubble wrap.

That was just the sound my knees make when I stand up

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I’m 5’3. I may be short but I have a HUGE personality….disorder.


Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.


Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)


Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.


she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”


Started to go to the gym this morning, couldn’t find my membership card…

A new one was $10

A donut & coffee were $3

Guess who saved $7?


People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.


My boyfriend broke up with because I make too many Linkin Park references, but in the end it doesn’t even matter.


*cute person sends me a selfie* *tries 897285623895 times to take a cute selfie to send back to them*