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@Aman93deep

My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.

@samalmightysam

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

@samdunsiger

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

@ShesARealGenius

Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen

Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO

@anbrll00

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

@ShawnIzadi

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

@DanMentos

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better