My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
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My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)