A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
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Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
Know when to walk away
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
What exactly does BYOB mean?
“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Wife: Where are the kids?
Me *turns off router*
[from down the hallway]
Me: They’re in their rooms.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.