@trevso_electric

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

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@MandiAtRandom

A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words

@HatfieldAnne

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

@64spoons

Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me

@Reverend_Scott

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

@TheMichaelRock

Wife: Where are the kids?

Me *turns off router*

[from down the hallway]

HEYYYYYYY!!!!

Me: They’re in their rooms.

@imdaintyaf

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

@FrenulumBreve

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

@MomofTeen

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

@DVSblast

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

@roxiqt

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.