Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
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Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Ironic
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.