“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
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The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.