@TheCattyLady

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

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@justokdane

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

@notacroc

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

@Dawn_M_

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

@Donna_McCoy

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

@RamblingMachine

My crush said we can’t be together because he’s seeing another woman so I asked him to rub his eyes and check if I still look different.

@schnooozle

[james bond breaks into my evil lair]
bond : let me guess… you’ve been expecting me?

me [naked, eating an ice cream] : would you believe it, no

@BoomBoomBetty

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

@Jake_Vig

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

@daemonic3

dentist: today we’re going to do dental impressions

me: ok, tOdAY wE’Re GoiNg tO Do DEnTaL IMprEsSioNs

dentist: haha, i mean of your teeth

[later]

dentist: [crying to hygienist] do i really sound like that