fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
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Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
thank god the sign was there
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
My crush said we can’t be together because he’s seeing another woman so I asked him to rub his eyes and check if I still look different.
[james bond breaks into my evil lair]
bond : let me guess… you’ve been expecting me?
me [naked, eating an ice cream] : would you believe it, no
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises
-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
dentist: today we’re going to do dental impressions
me: ok, tOdAY wE’Re GoiNg tO Do DEnTaL IMprEsSioNs
dentist: haha, i mean of your teeth
dentist: [crying to hygienist] do i really sound like that