Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
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Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
🤣✨#caturday
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
oh shit
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.