“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
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I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
peak technology
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario