son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Go into a bathroom stall and write: “For A Good Time Call Your Mother. She Misses You & Enjoys Hearing Your Voice.”
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SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to get murdered. No one likes a know it all.
No, he would not have.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Love is patient. Love is kind. Love has never been in a relationship apparently.
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.