@JasonLastname

Go into a bathroom stall and write: “For A Good Time Call Your Mother. She Misses You & Enjoys Hearing Your Voice.”

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@TheMichaelRock

Foreigner: I wanna know what love is..

Me: It’s a feeling you get when..

Foreigner: I want you to show me..

Me: Ok, like wow. We just met

@girl_a_whirl

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

@Hobo_Splendido

The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.

@sassy__cat6

I like you but not save your life before a dog’s life like you.

@jeffreyvanclea1

I just want 5 minutes alone with the person who thought it was a good idea to put little plastic stickers on every piece of fruit

@LizerReal

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

@DirtMcTurd

Just reported a car stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the window were white

@ClichedOut

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

@iinkedZombie

My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager