Go into a bathroom stall and write: “For A Good Time Call Your Mother. She Misses You & Enjoys Hearing Your Voice.”

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Foreigner: I wanna know what love is..

Me: It’s a feeling you get when..

Foreigner: I want you to show me..

Me: Ok, like wow. We just met


*covered in blood holding eyeball
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face


The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.


I like you but not save your life before a dog’s life like you.


I just want 5 minutes alone with the person who thought it was a good idea to put little plastic stickers on every piece of fruit


husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes


Just reported a car stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the window were white


I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.


My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager