@JasonLastname

Go into a bathroom stall and write: “For A Good Time Call Your Mother. She Misses You & Enjoys Hearing Your Voice.”

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@EJGomez

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

@_Shizzle

Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to get murdered. No one likes a know it all.

@Staggfilms

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

@BoomBoomBetty

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

@MandiAtRandom

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

@yoyoha

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love has never been in a relationship apparently.

@Pro_Jones_

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

@TheCatWhisprer

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.