I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Go on a romantic walk with her. Run your hands through her hair. Take her out to a nice meal. So what if she’s a police horse, who cares
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The stunning clarity of this wave
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
BRUNO MARS: I’d catch a grenade for ya
ME: Thanks, but I’d probably still die.
BRUNO MARS: Jump in front of a train for ya
– at a ramen restaurant –
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Life tip: If you’re curious if you’ve gotten fat, have a kid draw your picture.
Whenever I’m about to get in a bar fight, I give a karate bow to my opponent in hopes he gets scared and backs out before I piss myself.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich