“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
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[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Simple enough.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?