Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
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Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
The symmetry is uncanny.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
He took my last fry, your honor
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.