There is a huge spider in my kitchen so I will be tweeting from on top of this table for whatever the life span of this species is.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
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I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Pretty cool to think every time the Verizon guy said “Can you hear me now?” the NSA was quietly answering “Yes we can.”
*gently carrying a burrito in my mouth like a mother cat with her kitten*
You ever feel like just slapping your own face? No. Because you’re lazy, and I have to do everything for you.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
My husband and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”