Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
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Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad