@markydoodoo

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

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@Mikecanrant

There is a huge spider in my kitchen so I will be tweeting from on top of this table for whatever the life span of this species is.

@Social_Mime

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

@egg_dog

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

@prodigalsam

Pretty cool to think every time the Verizon guy said “Can you hear me now?” the NSA was quietly answering “Yes we can.”

@iamspacegirl

*gently carrying a burrito in my mouth like a mother cat with her kitten*

@AnnieRUOakley

You ever feel like just slapping your own face? No. Because you’re lazy, and I have to do everything for you.

@TheHyyyype

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

@joe_binkley

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

@ShellHasDragons

My husband and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.