@CountMackula

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

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@VerifiedDrunk

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

@themeredith

I love when guys ask how big my tits are like as if men have any idea what bra sizes mean. I could tell a guy I’m a WD-40 and he would be like “omg so hot”

@alan_maguire

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

@kbnoswag

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

@DumbConfessions

Her:”Let’s make a baby.”

Him: “Okay! Hold on.”

*goes to bathroom*

[5 minutes later.]

Her: “Where’d you go?”

Him: “You meant with you??”

@bust2nut

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

@AHotMessMomma

Shark week is actually the best time to go to the beach. All the sharks are busy being on tv