Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
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Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
*exercises sarcastically*
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it