Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
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The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.