Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
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A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
groan^2
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place