Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

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Why is your kid crying today? Mine didn’t get picked in a game she was playing alone


ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*



Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?

Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT


She won’t admit she’s obsessed with Instagram…

But her kids’ names are Brannan, Kelvin, and Valencia.


I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.


I never point out when someone’s zipper is down. I just zip it up for them.


virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤

coronavirus: i got this


virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?

coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel


*playing poker*
*my opponent smirks*
“All in.” he says.
*pair of aces*
*I smile*
*throws down a pair of Olsen twins*
“Full House.”