Why is your kid crying today? Mine didn’t get picked in a game she was playing alone
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
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ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*
CHINESE WAITER: what
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Print is alive and well!!!
She won’t admit she’s obsessed with Instagram…
But her kids’ names are Brannan, Kelvin, and Valencia.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I never point out when someone’s zipper is down. I just zip it up for them.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
*my opponent smirks*
“All in.” he says.
*pair of aces*
*throws down a pair of Olsen twins*