Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
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Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket