I swear to god dude, if you say “But what if we get arrested?” One more time you’re out of the group.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
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I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
cop: were you texting and driving
me: no i was playing go
me: [speeding off] if you say so
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
My electric toothbrush broke so now I have to use my acoustic one
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?