When I was a kid I made all of my toys watch Toy Story so that they knew I was on to them.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
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blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
of COURSE it was RIGHT IN FRONT OF US THE WHOLE TIME
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
*hears a loud noise outside of bedroom door at night*
*wife reaches over* “Honey- WHERE ARE YOU?”
*already locked myself in the bathroom*
Flight attendant said I should exercise my legs then all of a sudden I’m ‘causing a scene’ and ‘I didn’t mean kickboxing.’
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I was asked to pose nude for an art class; it was a ceramics class, and they were making ashtrays, but it’s whatever.