“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.

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When I was a kid I made all of my toys watch Toy Story so that they knew I was on to them.


blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend


No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now


Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.


*hears a loud noise outside of bedroom door at night*

*wife reaches over* “Honey- WHERE ARE YOU?”

*already locked myself in the bathroom*


Flight attendant said I should exercise my legs then all of a sudden I’m ‘causing a scene’ and ‘I didn’t mean kickboxing.’


Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.


interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap


I was asked to pose nude for an art class; it was a ceramics class, and they were making ashtrays, but it’s whatever.