@living_marble

“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.

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@AristotlesNZ

I swear to god dude, if you say “But what if we get arrested?” One more time you’re out of the group.

@Cpin42

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

@TheOnion

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

@tweetsbyrocket

cop: were you texting and driving

me: no i was playing go

cop: go?

me: [speeding off] if you say so

@alispagnola

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

@trevso_electric

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

@ThrillHicks

If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.

@nigburt

My electric toothbrush broke so now I have to use my acoustic one

@karanbirtinna

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

@MCaparco

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?