“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
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EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??