The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
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I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
This kinda thing happens to me often
relationship goals
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often