@ilikeyouguys

Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’

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@LifeUnPinterest

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

@facciabella

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

@Reverend_Scott

“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”

It’s fall??

“Ya, so what?”

[leaves start attacking everyone]

OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED

@ceejoyner

wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us

@ShellHasDragons

Me: I’ve decided to start a salon from home.
Also me: Hair just everywhere

@GrantTanaka

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

@Vice_Queen

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

@Rollmaninoz

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok