Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
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When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Me: I’ve decided to start a salon from home.
Also me: Hair just everywhere
A GoFundMe, so I can buy an avocado.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.
June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok