Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
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Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Self-cleaning conscience
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
OKAY DAD
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner