Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Goal weight: “are you ok, you look sick”
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Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
hello id like a reservation for two. also what is yr policy on cats. i wanna bring like seven cats. ive practiced fitting them on one chair
Police: where were you between 5 and 6?
Him: Ha! I got your ATM card.
Me: So? You’ll never guess my PIN.
Him: Is it 6969?
Me: Seriously dude, give it back.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
My jelly donut didn’t have any jelly in it, so I don’t want to hear about your trivial issues.