@mdob11

Goal weight: “are you ok, you look sick”

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@TEXASVETERAN

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

@Gupton68

Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible

Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank

@KalvinMacleod

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related

@apollilaire

hello id like a reservation for two. also what is yr policy on cats. i wanna bring like seven cats. ive practiced fitting them on one chair

@AristotlesNZ

Him: Ha! I got your ATM card.
Me: So? You’ll never guess my PIN.
Him: Is it 6969?
Me:..
Him:.
Me:..
Him:.
Me: Seriously dude, give it back.

@KeetPotato

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

@Ideal_Victoria

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

@yeaanotherchris

My jelly donut didn’t have any jelly in it, so I don’t want to hear about your trivial issues.