goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
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[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
my proudest tweet
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!