@PaperWash

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

You Might Also Like

@HatfieldAnne

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

@FatherWithTwins

People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”

@stevevsninjas

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

@brennadine

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

@doktorj

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

@1evilidiot

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

@KentWGraham

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

@david8hughes

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

@awkwardphilippe

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry