goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

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My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.


People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”


Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.


At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”


If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.


[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.


I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.


Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas


*walks in*


*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry