*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

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All dogs are therapy dogs. The majority of them are just freelancing.


[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He picked a fight with a raccoon”



I found a ten dollar bill on the ground once and thought, “This is as good as it’s ever going to get. Buy some relish.”


The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.


My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.


Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad


Sometimes you just need to reach out and touch someone. With a shovel. On the side of the head.


Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.


MARRIAGE PROPOSAL TIP: Get down on 1 knee. Ok, now the other. Great! Lie flat on your face. Quickly roll away don’t get married you idiot.