@TheAlexNevil

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

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@stephanieck72

All dogs are therapy dogs. The majority of them are just freelancing.

@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He picked a fight with a raccoon”

HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN

@just1fool

I found a ten dollar bill on the ground once and thought, “This is as good as it’s ever going to get. Buy some relish.”

@TheTweetOfGod

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

@jellybnbonanza

My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.

@lindseyywolf

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

@Parentpains

Sometimes you just need to reach out and touch someone. With a shovel. On the side of the head.

@writerPT

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

@Sam_Alan33

MARRIAGE PROPOSAL TIP: Get down on 1 knee. Ok, now the other. Great! Lie flat on your face. Quickly roll away don’t get married you idiot.