*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
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When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Mission: Impossible
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.