God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
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me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.