{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
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[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit