God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
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[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.