Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
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Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds