There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
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[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
#MeanwhileInCanada
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine