@FredTaming

god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing

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@8bitf0x

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

@ronnui_

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

@briangaar

FOUR STAGES OF LOSING MY KEYS
1. Can’t find keys
2. Accuse everyone around me of taking my keys
3. Find keys
4. Apologize for key witchhunt

@Home_Halfway

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*

@XplodingUnicorn

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

@ArfMeasures

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

@Doughbvy

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

@BuckyIsotope

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

@Fickle_Filly

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.