All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
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When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.