GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
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My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore