god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
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[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Stick it to the man
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.