Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
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HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Don’t you hate it when you’re so high on drugs that simple, everyday, mundane tasks become difficult? Anyway, I pissed on your sofa.