God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
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“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty