God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
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My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I need to update my racial profile.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Never ghost your hitman.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Oh deer
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”