God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
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Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
This is the one