god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
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As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.