god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
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Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down