God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
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For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left