God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
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ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.