How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
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Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.