@Home_Halfway

GOD: [continuing to make humans] Make some of them think running is fun

ANGEL: This is just sick, I can’t watch this

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@SteelFontana

If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They’ll thank you later.

@ThisLocalHater

Hate it when I’m reading someone’s diary and they accuse me of having boundary issues

@Cpin42

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

@fro_vo

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

@jwoodham

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

@Sam_From_Kansas

This waitress at Olive Garden has been grating cheese onto my plate for 13 hours now.

@Chumpstring

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.