If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They’ll thank you later.
GOD: [continuing to make humans] Make some of them think running is fun
ANGEL: This is just sick, I can’t watch this
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Hate it when I’m reading someone’s diary and they accuse me of having boundary issues
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
This waitress at Olive Garden has been grating cheese onto my plate for 13 hours now.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus