GOD: [continuing to make humans] Make some of them think running is fun

ANGEL: This is just sick, I can’t watch this

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If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They’ll thank you later.


Hate it when I’m reading someone’s diary and they accuse me of having boundary issues


Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone


*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper


People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.


This waitress at Olive Garden has been grating cheese onto my plate for 13 hours now.


I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.