God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
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My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
How does one answer this?
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Autocarrot sucks!
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!