God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
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“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Running from your problems is cardio .
No laws when master is gone
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team