@dad_chips

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

- @dad_chips

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@kadyngriffiths

Thug: *shows tattoos of tear drops* So I remember each person I’ve killed.

Me:*shows tattoo of an oven* So I remember to turn off the oven.

@EJGomez

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

@thenatewolf

*holding my crying child*

Me: I know, earthquakes are scary. So maybe next time you’ll be good and I won’t have to make that happen again.

@Mostly_Cheese

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.

@ThaJawn

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

@XplodingUnicorn

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

@stevevsninjas

HER: You didn’t make a reservation?
ME: I got this.
(to Maître D’) Perhaps *this* will jog your memory?
M: A handful of Skittles, sir?

@sad_tree

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

@turtledumplin

When a cop pulls you over, pull out a map and ask them for directions until they forget that they pulled you over.

-me, right now