god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
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Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage