@ThugRaccoons

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

- @ThugRaccoons

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@TVatterott

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

@salamingia

My favourite gymnastics move is the double cheeseburger.

@RocketRankoon

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

@SteveSuckington

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary

@pilau

Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?

Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT

@longwall26

“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”

@ThisOneSayz

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

@Megatronic13

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

@junejuly12

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard