God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
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If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
WHY would you be happy about this?
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I think the cat got the dog high.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”