God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
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Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.