God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
You Might Also Like
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
LOOOOOOL
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot