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[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
getting corrected
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up