[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
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No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Mornin
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
There’s always that one guy
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?